broken

Did my interview for Sir John Deanes yesterday, they offered me a place. Got all the courses I wanted and all that. Up until a few hours ago, I was buzzing about this. But damnit, things change so fast.

My boyfriend thinks he could be affecting my school grades in some way by being with me. And so, earlier, via Facebook, we split.

It's crazy. I felt numb, cold, my brain was processing everything but I wasn't taking it in. I could see everything clearly, and yeah, I can see why he did it even now. I wish the numb feeling had lasted, to be honest. It didn't take long for everything to dig its claws into my heart and rip it to shreds, and then I felt it. Oh, boy. I felt it.

This feeling is something completely new to me, and dealing with it has been a fiasco to say the least. Let it all out  in tears? I've cried way too much over my parents upcoming divorce. No more tears are going to come. Scream and shout? Too controlled, too rational, too steady-minded. Let out a sigh and add this to the list of shit things I've got to drag myself through? Check. Bingo. That's more my style.

You see, this is me. Bottle it up, hide it away. Try and ignore it, or sometimes... try and fix it.

Should I try and fix this? I didn't want it, never wanted it. Personally, I thought we were stronger than this and that we could work around my education and shit... Because it's definitely going to be a big stumbling block for us. I'm going to college, and then to university. I'm aiming high. Until I'm like... twenty something, I'm going to be in education. Which is a bitch, I guess. But I'm doing it for myself, my parents, my whole family. I want to do them proud.

Tomorrow. I'm going to try and fix it tomorrow, and if it won't work... then I'll leave it. I'll leave it because the anger will probably kick in, and then everything really will be ruined. Because shit turns nasty when I get mad, always does.

If it can't be fixed, well... I'm used to sewing my emotions back together again. I've had plenty of practice.

If the person I'm writing about is reading this, then... I love you. Always will do, simply because I've known you too long and I loved you before we even got together. If there's such a thing as soul mates, then you're most definitely mine. You're kind of like my antidote to life, the answer to so much shit that goes on in my head.

You're also my inspiration.

I think you're beautiful in so many different ways, it's impossible. The things you say, what you've been through, your personality. Your eyes. Your voice.

I'm stronger with you than I am without you. I need you, because without you I feel like I'm going to go under.   I've been under before, and it's not a pretty place. I don't want to go there again, not now.

I believe in us, but do you?

...

Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.
K x