The first time we spoke today it was kind of like an argument, but not quite. I was angry at him for making me feel how I did, and I definitely snapped. He went off out soon after that.
I guess that was the turning point for me. My emotions were haywire; I was angry at him for dumping me, desperate to beg for him back but unwilling to lower myself that far, lonely because it felt like he'd left an empty space behind him, determined to try and hurt him as much as he was hurting me, and in a sick way happy that I might have pissed him off.
Whilst feeling all this I just looked at myself on the inside, saw the nasty little niggling emotions (especially the bit that wanted to hurt him) and felt disgusted. I'm not that person.
And I guess before I even realised it I was crying, even though I didn't think I'd be able to because I'd given up on tears. It's a rare occasion that people see me crying, and if my best friends see it they don't have a clue what to do... because, usually, none of us cry. We're there for each other, 24/7, no matter what. If the shit hits the fan we deal with it together, and we stay strong. But I was alone, in my room, without them...in my empty house full of echoes and boxes containing stuff that needs to be moved. I realised then just how much I needed them.
And I guess before I even realised it I was crying, even though I didn't think I'd be able to because I'd given up on tears. It's a rare occasion that people see me crying, and if my best friends see it they don't have a clue what to do... because, usually, none of us cry. We're there for each other, 24/7, no matter what. If the shit hits the fan we deal with it together, and we stay strong. But I was alone, in my room, without them...in my empty house full of echoes and boxes containing stuff that needs to be moved. I realised then just how much I needed them.
I remember my phone buzzing, seeing who had texted me, and the surprise I felt. It was an apology from him.
For a split second I thought about telling him to fuck off; no one's allowed to reduce me to tears and then just apologise. Then my heart decided to punch my brain in the face and I apologised to him too, because I'd come to some sort of conclusion... He'd had reasons for doing it. Logical reasons, reasons that I could understand.
Things clicked back into place then. We weren't together again yet, but we were talking and trying to sort things out. When he reassured me that he still loved me, adored me, and that his feelings were still the same, I felt relieved. Relieved that I wasn't the only one head over heels in love.
We continued to sort things out, and we made conditions, and before anything else could happen we were together again. I got this amazing happy/relieved rush inside, and never again will I take for granted the saying; 'You don't realise what you've got until it's gone.' Because it's true, you don't.
For a split second I thought about telling him to fuck off; no one's allowed to reduce me to tears and then just apologise. Then my heart decided to punch my brain in the face and I apologised to him too, because I'd come to some sort of conclusion... He'd had reasons for doing it. Logical reasons, reasons that I could understand.
Things clicked back into place then. We weren't together again yet, but we were talking and trying to sort things out. When he reassured me that he still loved me, adored me, and that his feelings were still the same, I felt relieved. Relieved that I wasn't the only one head over heels in love.
We continued to sort things out, and we made conditions, and before anything else could happen we were together again. I got this amazing happy/relieved rush inside, and never again will I take for granted the saying; 'You don't realise what you've got until it's gone.' Because it's true, you don't.
I guess pouring everything out on here has been kind of therapeutic, that and the fact I've been drawing almost none stop. My drawings have been morbid, and very much a reflection of my emotions I guess.
My life isn't simple right now, but it never is. I'm still living and I'm not complaining, because, as always, I love life. It's not always good, but that's life, and the bad times pass.
Trust the mess,
K x
Trust the mess,
K x
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