Suffocation

I miss being alone. It sounds really weird, but it's true. I never realised how much I valued solitude until I invited someone to stay with me for 8 weeks. Yeah, well thought out move.

Being alone all the time sucks, but being with someone 24/7 is like being suffocated. It's always going to be like that with this person though, because of how far away he lives. When he does come over, he has to stay 24/7 for at least a week to make it worth the journey. That means I can never just be with him for a few hours, like a normal relationship at my age.

I feel like I'm married to him, living with him, already. Sure, I love him more than anything and he's my best friend, but sometimes I just want to have a little space. Is it wrong that I feel like this?

I guess having nothing to do only contributes to the fact that I feel this way. Boredom plagues my days; I hate watching TV, I can't game because of internet issues, I can't read for long periods of time because I get interrupted.

Boredom + Boyfriend 24/7 = ... Suffocation.

Meh. I hope summer vacation improves; the first two days have been hell so far. He has been here for four weeks now though.

On another note, I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises' this evening; it was amazing.

So, yeah. Ciao.
Koralyn x

QQ

I've put like, 3 pounds on after being ill and eating crap. Ugh, it's my own fault, but that doesn't make it feel any less shitty. Strict diet and more exercise, or no way is wakestock happening this year. I'll scare the shit out of people walking across the beach in my bikini, haha.

Boohoo.

I'm waiting for a call on Skype. Haven't heard from a certain someone in fucking ages and I'm worried. They'd better call me soon, or... at least message me. Anything to let me know they're alright, God damn it.

Koralyn.

Ick.

Icky icky, ew eww.

Yep, that's right people - I'm gloriously full of cold again. Yay for me, my body is once again pathogen paradise, and I look like I am contending with Rudolph in the red nose of the year competition.

Today has been my second day off college. It's going to be SO MUCH FUN catching up on all the work I've missed. Actually, I have an idea... I'm gonna go grab my textbooks and make notes on the shit we were supposed to learn today/yesterday. Yes. Ten points for me on being organised.

On another note, my little brother decided to bunk off school for 'no reason at all' today. Our mother is gonna kick his ass so hard when she gets back home tomorrow that he'll have flown over China before his butt touches dirt again. And I, for one, shall laugh.

I did get the little shitbag to apologise via text though. So maybe he'll only fly over.. Sweden. Or maybe Italy.

We'll see.

Loving you and leaving you,
K x

P.S: I'm going to die on the 8th of March. It's results day for the Psych & Biology exams I sat back in January. Ahahahaaaa, fun times.

.

It's grabbing at my ankles every second of every day, whispering in my ear and yanking at my happiness. It burrows holes through my hopes and smashes my dreams like mirrors, then leaves the pieces scattered on the floor in a broken mess. How am I supposed to shield myself from that? Even the biggest wall of compliments, positive thoughts and uplifting lyrics crumbles under the weight of it.

And do you want to know the worst of it? It's rooted in my own decisions, my own mistakes. I constructed my own downfall.

And they always said, you are your own harshest critic - oh boy, I know how true that is. How am I meant to forgive myself when I cut my own arguments as to why I chose this path to smithereens? As soon as they are formed, my own mind slices them into ribbons and pours paraffin on what remains. The flames that burn scour the inside of my brain and I'm left defenceless yet again, bleeding from wounds that are self inflicted.

How does anyone find peace in that? Is it even possible? Because right now, it's beyond me... And I don't know how to change it.

Why didn't I try harder?
Why did I let it slip out of my fingers that damn easily?

It was everything I worked for, everything I wanted for two whole fucking years. And I got the grades, I aced the tests, got places I wanted to be. All of that, just to let it go when I found it hard.

Coward.

Trying harder, even at the cost of my health, would have been worth it not to feel this regret.

2012.

OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOON.
Yay, does that mean I don't have to sit next years exams? Sweet.

Peace out, yo.
K x

clean

Figured out that cleaning my room is like, an automatic way to de-stress. Throwing away the crap and opening up space again feels good.

What doesn't feel too good, however, is the fact I just ate too many Doritos and as a consequence I feel royally sick. My bad.

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to."

More lyrics. Woo. They're from one of my all time favourite songs as well.

Toodles, people.
Koralyn x

jobless

Boom, that's my current status. Not even totally sure I want to get a job whilst trying to juggle sixth form as well, but I need the money. So, job hunting it is.

I want driving lessons, university, and a huge ass drunken summer road trip - gief the cash.

Wish me luck!
Toodles,
Koralyn x

you're in my veins

Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out,
Oh, you're all I taste, at night, inside of my mouth.
Oh, you run away, 'cause I am not what you found,
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out.

This is now one of my favourite songs, so glad I found it.

far away

'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
You know, you know.



In a nickelback mood.

the reason why i smile

Last night I blacked out I think
What did you, what did you put in my drink?
I remember making out and then.. ohoh
I woke up with a new tattoo
Your name was on me and my name was on you
I would do it all over again.


Gotta love a bit of Avril Lavigne.

so yahhh.

All I want is to feel better. Better about myself, better about school, better about where I am and where I'm going... For the first time in AGES, school is a real chore. Not because it's hard... If it was, perhaps my mind would be distracted a little more. It's because things are just different. I have to worry about what I'm wearing, where I'm going to sit (because only one of my classes is with a friend), whether the teacher will come up and ask why I'm sat on my own.
   One of my maths teachers did that today. She asked me; 'Do you usually sit on your own?'... I know she didn't mean harm, but thanks for drawing attention to me. I told her no, I didn't. There's just no one in my maths class who I actually like to speak to, no one from my friendship group. And the annoying thing is, if I'd been placed in the other option block or twisted my options slightly, I WOULD have been.
   And you know what? Then she asked me if I'd move into one of the other groups next lesson. I said yes, of course, just to get her away.
   Had she not noticed that LAST lesson I'd sat with a group? Only this time I'd come in first, sat where I sat last time, and they all just waltzed over to a completely different table. I don't know what the fuck is up with me, but I wanted to cry right then and there. It's not fair.
   I don't alienate myself on purpose. I don't sit apart on purpose. In fact, I make an effort to fucking sit WITH people. To make new friends, to socialise. I'm not WEIRD, I'm not HORRID. I don't have some sort of mental disorder, and neither am I insanely fat - which seems to immediately alienate you in my college. I'm not pretty. I'm not beautiful. I'm not perfect by far.
   But I'm not a fucking alien either.
   This whole entry sounds angry. But really, deep down in side, I'm just tired. Tired of being overlooked by boys, who see me as just another person. I want someone to cuddle up with and talk to. I had a chance, I guess, with S... but I fucked that one up. Majorly.
   It's 23:59. 11:59...
   Reminds me of the Ryan Star song.
   Also, I have psychology homework to do still, so I am screwed.
   I hope this shitfuckballthingyofalmightycrap gets better.

truth

honest to god i'll break your heart,
tear you to pieces and rip you apart.

AHH.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

AHHHHH.


GRRR. GRRR. GRRR.


Majorly angry. Majorly pissed. Majorly everything.

Time to watch the Vampire Diaries; balm of my soul. WOOHOO. I'ma have to get myself one of those hot vampire boyfriends someday. Seriously...

Also, three weeks left until I finish school. Scary shiz, eh?

AHHHH.

Koralyn.

Summer

Oh my days. It's so effing sunny! This is England, right, we never ever get sun!

Wow.

Sunbathing on the trampoline with my baby brother, yessir. And lot's of BBQ food and laughs. Y'know, this Easter break might not be so grim after all. There is, however, a distinct lack of shiz to do during the day.

Bounce on the trampoline... check.
Eat cereal... check.
Draw some random crap... check.
Go for a run on the treadmill... check.
Walk the dog... check.
Play a game... check.
Feed the fish... check.
Take my antibiotics... check.

And after all that shit, I have nothing left to do, and it's probably only just gone 11am. I'm going to have to think up a new workout thingy, 'cos that seems to be the only worthwhile thing to do right now.

Butt lifts, anyone?

K x

Storm

It’s a storm, this love,
And He’s the epicentre.
Roiling, twisting, beautifully destructive,
But safe.
He cannot be measured;
Such a sudden breath of fresh air.
There’s no mark scheme, no units, nothing for me to ponder,
It’s instinct.
This isn’t education, it’s creativity.
He has the power to sunder my world,
Turn it grey, blue and black,
But I never wonder
Exactly what it is that holds him in check.
Trust has flowered here,
A bond delicate and white in its purity.
With dusky wings it unfolds -
Curls tentatively around my heart.
It’s a rare blooming rose,
But it’s vines are thornless, painless.
My back is guarded,
My heart shielded from mortal blows.
Like the weather,
The rain as it beats against my window panes,
His presence comforts me.
As long as He is here, I am safe. 

My Drug

My beating heart he slays so easily,
Biting into it with calm words
And unawareness.
The cool glances, the subtle signs.
I’d spend a million nights pondering,
Oh what did they mean?
Pounding pulse, adrenaline rush,
It’s my rollercoaster.
Or perhaps it’s just my drug.
I keep coming back,
Desperate for more.
To feel the burning pain,
The longing and hurt, icy cold and heartless.
Cut the rope, cut him off, cut him loose,
The easy solution.
Oh, sweet numbness once again would be bliss.
I’d know, though.
I’d crave it, feel the itching under my skin,
Pale scars on my heart, salty tears on my cheeks.
Crawling on hands and knees I’d go back,
Back to the monster who feasted upon my zeal,
Leaving me an empty lifeless shell.
And he’d kiss me, kiss me breathless,
His hands bare flames against my skin.
Tears would still run, and so would blood.
But the sweet oblivion he creates,
With sharp tongue and liquored words,
Slicing through the haze of blurry thoughts that do crowd my mind,
It’d be worth it.
Just for that moment,
One dazzling, agonising, hot white second...
He’d be worth it.


---
It's how I feel.

Koralyn. 

stress

Yep. So, all week I've been uber-stressed.

Basically, shit's going down for J - which is making me major upset for her. And I fucked up two of my exams (got the results last thursday).

I got an A* in Biology, C in Chemistry and C in Physics.

What the fuck happened? Ahhh. I feel like bashing my head against the wall. When I got off the bus after getting my results at school, I had a row with mum, came downstairs 5 minutes later, gave her a hug and literally burst out crying. I'm now banned from resits, because she thinks I'm overworking myself and I'm not getting enough sleep.

I guess she's right. I can't keep worrying so hard, because I'll just end up shitting up the rest of my exams in June (that's when I'd be doing the resists for chem and physics).

It still niggles at me that my overall grades are A*/B/B though, for bio, chem & physics respectively. But there is a sort of reason.. I loathe chemistry and physics. Can't do them, no matter how I try.

Biology is a different story - I'm fascinated by it. I'm also taking it for A level. Because I'm interested in it, I guess it comes much more naturally than the other two, and I actually look forward to a biology exam. It feels kind of like a challenge waiting for me to overcome, one that I can actually ROCK out. But in chem/physics, it feels as if I'm staring into a shit black void, about to fall into it... never to return.

ANYWAY. RANT OVER. FUCKING HELL.

Y'know what? I need to draw more. And listen to more music. And eat more too - I've gotten skinnier.

K x

Ps: Through all the shit, my mum brought three prom dresses, just for me to try on (we'd already been out a few days earlier looking for one - no luck) and one of them I've decided is THE ONE. It's a gorgeous teal/blue floor length thingy. I love it.

And it makes my ass look amazing.

Prom

Howdy-do-dar, guys!

Little notice - dropped three pounds through my minor diet efforts. Ha, fail. It's still a certain degree of success though, and my ass is a little smaller, so s'all good. If I put my back into it - like last time - I could lose a stone, I guess. It's only 11 more pounds. But then again, mother hates it if I get near to looking like a stick, so.. yeah.

Half a stone. She might not mind that.

My prom is on the 24th of June - SQUEAL - and my mum's agreed to go prom dress shopping tomorrow, which should be awesome. I want a long dress preferably, and only strapless if I can find a decent strapless bra otherwise HELL NO. Asking for trouble.

Gonna go with deep purple/blue, or maybe something like a cappuccino colour? Something that suits my skin tone, anyway, and set's off my hair. I'm pale with auburn (my mum would be screaming IT'S ALMOST GINGER right now) hair. Kill me now, haaaa.

The prom committee has split into groups to deal with separate areas of the grand shinanigan. I'm sorting out the music with L and a few others, which works out awesome for me. 1) I'm a music nut, and 2) it means I can stop the chav's from playing non-stop Dubstep. We're having a mix of everything, from ABBA to Jessie J, from The Beatles to Eminem & Rihanna. It shall be legendary.

Oh. I also put in Crazy Frog, just to piss everyone off a TAD. Mwahahaaa, me and L shall be hiding at that point in time.

I'm also going to get my make-up done by Mac (£25 for the appointment, aint too bad), my nails done (aint sorted that yet) and my hair - not sure if mum's doing it (she's a hairdresser) or if I'm going to a salon. I know I'm having it up though, hehe.

A fake tan could be on the cards as long as it's guaranteed not to come out looking like I'm from the local curry shop.

Laters, innit.
K x

40 Days

40 days left of school. 40 days to sort my shit out and finish everything.

Yep, I'm screwed.

On another note, I haven't posted here for ages so I thought I'd write something. Mainly for my own mental health of course, since in no way is this beneficial to anyone else out there.

My mum is really into the whole 'sell our house' idea. Our next door neighbours just sold their house for £305,000... so yeah, she's extremely into selling it. She wants to split the money, split from Dad, and buy her own place somewhere else (which'll probably be chav-ville 'cos something like £150,000 won't buy anything in any of the areas round here) with her new dude.

Okay, I made it sound brutal there. Her new dude is awesome, and he's really great. It really isn't all that bad. And I can see the advantages of moving and not having a mortgage, etc, etc. It's just going to be weird, and new, and... I don't know. Strange doesn't seem to quite describe it.

So yeah, I could be moving house soon. Which is fucking crazy to be honest.

And through all the madness, one question sticks in my head; HOW THE FUCK DO WE MOVE MY AQUARIUM?

HAAAA. Nice problem we've got there.

Good luck figuring that one out, people.

Aufedersehen, or however you spell it.
Good night, peace out, chillax.
Smoke weed?
K x

I Need to Know

"Feel so far away,
Want to see your face,
Are you even there?
Can you show me?
Can you make me believe?

I need to know."