.

It's grabbing at my ankles every second of every day, whispering in my ear and yanking at my happiness. It burrows holes through my hopes and smashes my dreams like mirrors, then leaves the pieces scattered on the floor in a broken mess. How am I supposed to shield myself from that? Even the biggest wall of compliments, positive thoughts and uplifting lyrics crumbles under the weight of it.

And do you want to know the worst of it? It's rooted in my own decisions, my own mistakes. I constructed my own downfall.

And they always said, you are your own harshest critic - oh boy, I know how true that is. How am I meant to forgive myself when I cut my own arguments as to why I chose this path to smithereens? As soon as they are formed, my own mind slices them into ribbons and pours paraffin on what remains. The flames that burn scour the inside of my brain and I'm left defenceless yet again, bleeding from wounds that are self inflicted.

How does anyone find peace in that? Is it even possible? Because right now, it's beyond me... And I don't know how to change it.

Why didn't I try harder?
Why did I let it slip out of my fingers that damn easily?

It was everything I worked for, everything I wanted for two whole fucking years. And I got the grades, I aced the tests, got places I wanted to be. All of that, just to let it go when I found it hard.

Coward.

Trying harder, even at the cost of my health, would have been worth it not to feel this regret.