so yahhh.

All I want is to feel better. Better about myself, better about school, better about where I am and where I'm going... For the first time in AGES, school is a real chore. Not because it's hard... If it was, perhaps my mind would be distracted a little more. It's because things are just different. I have to worry about what I'm wearing, where I'm going to sit (because only one of my classes is with a friend), whether the teacher will come up and ask why I'm sat on my own.
   One of my maths teachers did that today. She asked me; 'Do you usually sit on your own?'... I know she didn't mean harm, but thanks for drawing attention to me. I told her no, I didn't. There's just no one in my maths class who I actually like to speak to, no one from my friendship group. And the annoying thing is, if I'd been placed in the other option block or twisted my options slightly, I WOULD have been.
   And you know what? Then she asked me if I'd move into one of the other groups next lesson. I said yes, of course, just to get her away.
   Had she not noticed that LAST lesson I'd sat with a group? Only this time I'd come in first, sat where I sat last time, and they all just waltzed over to a completely different table. I don't know what the fuck is up with me, but I wanted to cry right then and there. It's not fair.
   I don't alienate myself on purpose. I don't sit apart on purpose. In fact, I make an effort to fucking sit WITH people. To make new friends, to socialise. I'm not WEIRD, I'm not HORRID. I don't have some sort of mental disorder, and neither am I insanely fat - which seems to immediately alienate you in my college. I'm not pretty. I'm not beautiful. I'm not perfect by far.
   But I'm not a fucking alien either.
   This whole entry sounds angry. But really, deep down in side, I'm just tired. Tired of being overlooked by boys, who see me as just another person. I want someone to cuddle up with and talk to. I had a chance, I guess, with S... but I fucked that one up. Majorly.
   It's 23:59. 11:59...
   Reminds me of the Ryan Star song.
   Also, I have psychology homework to do still, so I am screwed.
   I hope this shitfuckballthingyofalmightycrap gets better.