failure

Failed the maths mock. Totally bummed it.

This is what no revision gets me. I mean, what did I fucking expect? Being brutally honest; I'm bright, but I'm in set 1A. There ain't no place for laziness or slackers, of which I am both. I deserved what happened today, and I also know that my maths teacher has every right to moan at me on Thursday when we next have maths.

I'm 6 marks off an A* on my overall score. 6 god damn marks. This test was only a mock, but if it had been the real exam I'd have fucking screwed everything up.

It means too much to me to mess around, far too much.

When I was a kid, I had to go to a maths tutor because I was that bad at maths... she literally had to teach me everything from the ground up, and I was in year five. Luckily, I went to her long enough that she turned things right around and I nailed my SAT's in year six. I also nailed it all through high school, and without her I'd be on a C right now, but I'm not. I'm sat on an A.

Maths never came naturally to me, and that's why I want this so much. I had to fight for it, and I can't give up now. It's the real damn thing, what I do with the rest of my life depends on the grades I get at GCSE. I can't slack now.

I fuck up my GCSE's, and everything is screwed.

So yeah, I've had a major kick up the butt. All the teachers graphs and statistics and shit say that I'm supposed to get at least an A in EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT.

They say I can make it, my parents say I can make it, my brother says I can 'kick their asses' (translation; nail it). I want to make it. I NEED to make it, for my own god dang sanity. I didn't work my butt off all this time to slack up now, no way.

I want A levels. I want a degree in something that sounds insanely complicated and sophisticated. I want to achieve my dreams, the dreams I actually have the ability to reach. But can I? That's the million dollar question.

Anyway, one mock down this week, one more to go. It's Art & Design, and it's on Wednesday. Fuck me if I'm not going to fight tooth and nail to ace this one.

There's a song from Step Up called 'Im'ma Shine', and it's kind of my motivational song right now. I want to shine.

Im'ma shine,
K x