Suffocation

I miss being alone. It sounds really weird, but it's true. I never realised how much I valued solitude until I invited someone to stay with me for 8 weeks. Yeah, well thought out move.

Being alone all the time sucks, but being with someone 24/7 is like being suffocated. It's always going to be like that with this person though, because of how far away he lives. When he does come over, he has to stay 24/7 for at least a week to make it worth the journey. That means I can never just be with him for a few hours, like a normal relationship at my age.

I feel like I'm married to him, living with him, already. Sure, I love him more than anything and he's my best friend, but sometimes I just want to have a little space. Is it wrong that I feel like this?

I guess having nothing to do only contributes to the fact that I feel this way. Boredom plagues my days; I hate watching TV, I can't game because of internet issues, I can't read for long periods of time because I get interrupted.

Boredom + Boyfriend 24/7 = ... Suffocation.

Meh. I hope summer vacation improves; the first two days have been hell so far. He has been here for four weeks now though.

On another note, I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises' this evening; it was amazing.

So, yeah. Ciao.
Koralyn x

QQ

I've put like, 3 pounds on after being ill and eating crap. Ugh, it's my own fault, but that doesn't make it feel any less shitty. Strict diet and more exercise, or no way is wakestock happening this year. I'll scare the shit out of people walking across the beach in my bikini, haha.

Boohoo.

I'm waiting for a call on Skype. Haven't heard from a certain someone in fucking ages and I'm worried. They'd better call me soon, or... at least message me. Anything to let me know they're alright, God damn it.

Koralyn.

Ick.

Icky icky, ew eww.

Yep, that's right people - I'm gloriously full of cold again. Yay for me, my body is once again pathogen paradise, and I look like I am contending with Rudolph in the red nose of the year competition.

Today has been my second day off college. It's going to be SO MUCH FUN catching up on all the work I've missed. Actually, I have an idea... I'm gonna go grab my textbooks and make notes on the shit we were supposed to learn today/yesterday. Yes. Ten points for me on being organised.

On another note, my little brother decided to bunk off school for 'no reason at all' today. Our mother is gonna kick his ass so hard when she gets back home tomorrow that he'll have flown over China before his butt touches dirt again. And I, for one, shall laugh.

I did get the little shitbag to apologise via text though. So maybe he'll only fly over.. Sweden. Or maybe Italy.

We'll see.

Loving you and leaving you,
K x

P.S: I'm going to die on the 8th of March. It's results day for the Psych & Biology exams I sat back in January. Ahahahaaaa, fun times.

.

It's grabbing at my ankles every second of every day, whispering in my ear and yanking at my happiness. It burrows holes through my hopes and smashes my dreams like mirrors, then leaves the pieces scattered on the floor in a broken mess. How am I supposed to shield myself from that? Even the biggest wall of compliments, positive thoughts and uplifting lyrics crumbles under the weight of it.

And do you want to know the worst of it? It's rooted in my own decisions, my own mistakes. I constructed my own downfall.

And they always said, you are your own harshest critic - oh boy, I know how true that is. How am I meant to forgive myself when I cut my own arguments as to why I chose this path to smithereens? As soon as they are formed, my own mind slices them into ribbons and pours paraffin on what remains. The flames that burn scour the inside of my brain and I'm left defenceless yet again, bleeding from wounds that are self inflicted.

How does anyone find peace in that? Is it even possible? Because right now, it's beyond me... And I don't know how to change it.

Why didn't I try harder?
Why did I let it slip out of my fingers that damn easily?

It was everything I worked for, everything I wanted for two whole fucking years. And I got the grades, I aced the tests, got places I wanted to be. All of that, just to let it go when I found it hard.

Coward.

Trying harder, even at the cost of my health, would have been worth it not to feel this regret.

2012.

OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOON.
Yay, does that mean I don't have to sit next years exams? Sweet.

Peace out, yo.
K x